July 2009
2 posts
3 tags
A Gentleman making a morning call ...
upon a very stingy, but rich old widow, was asked by her in desultory conversation, pour passer le temps—
“Do you draw, Mr. Larkins?”
“Oh, in my way I do,” replied that gentleman.
“I should really like to see a specimen,” said the widow.
“Well,” replied the amateur, “just order a bottle of claret, and I’ll see what I can do at a cork, and...
3 tags
Crooked Words
A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, “If she spoke one more crooked word, he’d beat her brains out.” “Why then, ram’s-horn, you rogue,” said she, “if I die for it.
2 tags
NAVAL TACTICS
A Captain of the royal navy, one of the old school, being at a ball at Portsmouth, had been accepted by a beautiful partner, a lady of rank, who, in the most delicate manner possible, hinted to him the propriety of putting on a pair of gloves. “Oh!” was the elegant reply; “never mind me, ma’am: I shall wash my hands when I’ve done dancing.”
June 2009
27 posts
1 tag
Scene in the Kitchen
A woman making bread. Enter little boy.
Little Boy.—"Mother, it strikes me you are very lazy just now."
Indignant Mother.—"How dare you say so? why, don't you see I'm making bread?"
Little Boy.—"True, but that's neither more nor less than loafing."
[The juvenile punster got no hot cakes for several days thereafter. His mother is slowly recovering.]
1 tag
A Gentleman ...
was promenading a fashionable street with a bright little boy at his side, when the little fellow called out, “Oh, pa, there goes an editor!” “Hush, son,” said the father, “don’t make fun of the poor man — God only knows what you may come to yet.”
1 tag
A Housemaid, ...
who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him engaged in using a tooth-brush. “Well, is he coming?” said the lady of the house as the servant returned.—”Yes, ma’am, directly,” was the reply, “he’s just sharpening his teeth.”
3 tags
Lord Shaftsbury says ...
that he would be virtuous for his own sake, though nobody were to know it; as he would be clean for bis own sake, though nobody were to see him.
3 tags
Had Tully himself ...
pronounced one of his orations with a blanket around his shoulders, more people would have laughed at his dress than would have admired his eloquence.
1 tag
An "old fogy" in New Hampshire ...
was recently overtaken by a “train of thought.” Through skillful medical treatment it is hoped he may survive the shock.
2 tags
A Curious Epitaph
In Llangollen churchyard, North Wales, on the tomb of Morris and Catherine Jones, is the following curious epitaph:
Our life is but a winter’s day— Some only breakfast and away. Others to dinner stay and are well fed, The oldest man sups and goes to bed. Large is his debt who lingers out the day; Who goes the soonest has the least to pay.
1 tag
A Capital Joke
To expect the greatest Reformer in the moral world to be either a grateful or a moral man. What sign-post follows its own direetion?
2 tags
A Loafer's Soliloquy
“I wish I knew where to get a cent, I do. Blest if I don’t emigrate to Kamschatka to dig gold. Money scarcer than wit; can’t live by neither—at least I can’t. Sold the last old shirt, pawned my boots for three cents, and went home rich as a lord.
“Told my landlady I had a hundred thousand dollars, and wanted the best room in the house. Insulted me by saying the attic...
2 tags
The Oyster Newspaper
An organ for the Oyster-House critics has been found at last. We all know that our real genuine original Jacob Oysters are so large that it requires two middle-sized Englishmen to swallow one whole; since the Evening Post has grown it takes two moderate-sized men to open it at full length, but there has never been found any number of men yet to swallow its contents.
3 tags
A Cincinnati paper ...
states that the theatre pit boys are in the habit of burlesquing the use of opera glasses in the dress circle, by using two mineral water bottles, tied together with a string, in which they scan the house in the most grave and interesting manner.
2 tags
A Short Sermon
An old preacher once took for his text—
“Adam, where art thou?” and divided his subject into three parts.
1st.—All men are somewhere.
2d.—Some men are where they ought to be.
3d.—Unless they take care they will soon find themselves where they would rather not be.
2 tags
All the Berries
A celebrated comedian arranged with his greengrocer—one Berry—to pay him quarterly; but the green-grocer sent in his account long before the quarter was due. The comedian, in great wrath, called upon his green-grocer, and, laboring under the impression that his credit was doubted, said— “I say, here’s a pretty mul, Berry; you’ve sent in your bill, Berry, before it is due,...
2 tags
"Madam," ...
said a cross-tempered physician to a patient, ” if women were admitted to paradise, their tongues would make it a purgatory.” “And some physicians, if allowed to practise there,” replied the lady, “would soon make it a desert.”
4 tags
An eastern editor, ...
in an obituary on a young lady who had recently died, closed by saying—”She had an amiable temper, and was uncommonly fond of ice cream and other delicacies.”
4 tags
A Fight for a Kiss.
” Ah, Sally, give me a kiss and be done with it.”
“I won’t, so there now.”
“I’ll take it, whether or no.”
“Do it if you dare.
So at it we went rough and tumble. An awful destruction of starch now commenced. The bow of my cravat was squat up in half a shake. At the next bout smash went shirt and collar, and at the same time some of the head...
2 tags
THE TELEGRAPH.
" Wife, I don't see for my part, how they send letters on them 'ere wires without tearin' 'em all to bits."
"La me, they don't send the paper; they just send the writing in a fluid state."
2 tags
A Celebrated divine, ...
who was remarkable, in the first period of his ministry, for a boisterous mode of preaching, suddenly changed his whole manner in the pulpit, and adopted a mild and dispassionate mode of delivery. One of his brethren, observing it, inquired of him what had induced him to make the change. He answered, “When I was young, I thought it was the thunder that killed the people; but when I grew...
2 tags
A Strong Recommendation.
A pedlar wishing to recommend his razors to the gaping crowd, thus addressed them: “Gentlemen, the razors I hold in my hand, were made in a cave by the light of a diamond in the province of Andalusia in Spain. They cut as quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning star. A word or two more, and I am certain you will buy them. Lay them under your pillow at night, and you will find...
3 tags
Rowland Hill was always annoyed ...
when there happened to be any noise in the chapel, or when anything happened to divert the attention of his hearers from what he was saying. On one occasion, a few days before his death, he was preaching to one of the most crowded congregations that ever assembled to hear him. In the middle of his discourse he observed a commotion in the gallery. For some time he took no notice of it, but finding...
3 tags
A LITTER OF YELLOW PIGS.
As ingenious gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of an orange peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig to the admiration of the company. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up with the...
3 tags
FASHIONABLE CALL AND ALL THEY SAID.
"How do you do, my dear!"
"Putty well, thank you." [They kiss.]
"How have you been, this age?"
"Putty well. How have you been?"
"Very well, thank you."
"Pleasant to-day."
"Yes, very bright—but we had a shower yesterday."
"Are all your people well?"
"Quite well, thank you; how are yours?"
"Very well, I'm obliged to you."
"Have you seen Mary B--- lately?"
"No, but I've seen Susan C----."
"You don't say so! Is she well?"
"Very well, I believe." [Rising.]
"Must you go?"
"Yes, indeed; I have seven calls to make."
"Do call again soon."
"Thank you—but you don't call on me once in an age."
"Oh, you should not say so; I'm sure I'm very good."
"Good bye."
2 tags
"How do you know that the plaintiff was intoxicated on the evening referred to?"
"Because I saw him a few minutes after the muss, trying to pull off his trousers with a boot-jack!"
2 tags
The proprietor of a forge, ...
not remarkable for correctness of language, but who, by honest industry, had realized a comfortable independency, being called upon at a social meeting for a toast, gave— “Success to forgery.”
3 tags
Louis Napoleon ...
seems to attach so much importance to the coats of his senatorial and other lacqueys, that his government may be ealled the Co(a)terie of Despotism.
3 tags
There is a Dutch butcher up town, ...
who never allows anything to go to waste. When he is stuck on “sassengers,” he takes out the meat, blows them up, and sells them to the ladies for bustles.
May 2009
31 posts
2 tags
A Waiter's "Everything, Sir."
A New Yorker, accustomed to the restaurants of the great metropolis of America, where everything can be had for the mere asking, except clean streets and a decent railroad car, went to Jersey City on some business. Entering a very respectable-looking hotel, the following dialogue ensued.
Hungry And Weary Travelled (holding a bill of fare in his hand as long as the Hudson).—What have you...
1 tag
The Man that was "Broke of his Rest."
About the drollest man alive is a chap now in Chicago, well known in Northern Vermont by the name of “Tim Wait.” Say what you might to Tim, he was always ready with a repartee, and a good one. On one occasion he came into a hotel in Burlington, looking rather jaded and down in the mouth.
“What’s the matter, Tim?” said one of the company, “you look rather the...
1 tag
When a man will go without his dinner to serve...
you can conclude he is a friend. There is something marked in any one suffering a vacuum in his abdominal regions for the sake of good will towards a fellow creatur, that surpasses ten thousand hollow promises.
1 tag
Somnambulism.
In cincinnati a few nights since, a young lady left her sleeping apartment and went to a neighboring tree which she succeeded in climbing, and seating herself upon a limb commenced singing a plaintive ditty. Her friends were thus attracted to the spot, and she was rescued from her perilous situation.
1 tag
The little mind who loves itself, ...
will write and think with the vulgar; but the great mind will be bravely eccentric; and scorn the beaten road, from universal benevolence.
2 tags
"My dear," said an anxious father ...
to his bashful daughter of sixteen, “I intend that you shall be married, but I do not intend you shall throw yourself away on any wild, worthless boy of the present day. You must marry a man of sober, mature age; one that can charm you with wisdom and good advice, rather than with personal attraction. What do you think of a fine, intelligent, mature husband of fifty?”
The timid, meek,...
1 tag
Pugilistic.
“Villain! how’s this? how dare you thus insult a gentleman? Touch me with a stick! Throw down that stick, sir, then come forward like a man—and see if you can stand a fair fight! Ha! you persist in thrusting that low weapon in my face? Ignoble wretch! thou’rt unworthy the notice of a gentleman! OUt upon thee, base clown! Desist, and let me pass without further molestation,...
1 tag
We are minus three vest buttons, ..
in consequence of having heard a characteristic anecdote respecting the editor of a Boston literary journal. Walter Scott, jr., was present recently at a familiar discussion of musical matters, and he, without hesitation, gave it as his opinion that “Lucrezia Borgia is one of the greatest singers in the country.”
A gentleman present remarked that Lucrezia Borgia was an opera.
...
1 tag
The Unmentionables
“You remember Dr. Potts, don’t you?” said Jones to me yesterday over our toddy.
“To be sure I do; he sued me for a doctor’s bill. Do you think I ever forget that?”
“No, certainly not,” said Jones. “Well, did you ever hear why he was separated from his wife?”
“Yes; he beat her once.”
“But do you know what...
1 tag
"Struck by Lightning," ...
is the cant term used by thieves, &c., when arrested by information conveyed by the telegraph.
1 tag
To ascertain whether a woman is passionate or not,...
take a muddy dog into her parlor.
1 tag
Some of the Chinese in California ...
have silver watches so large that they use the outside to fry potatoes in.
1 tag
"Mister, where's your house?"
asked a curious traveller of a half horse, half alligator squattor. “House, eh! D’ye think I’m one of that sort, stranger? I sleep in the prairie—I eats raw buffalo—and drinks out of the Mississippi.”
2 tags
A Wardrobe Thermometer.
Grimm speaks of a gentleman, J. J. de Mairan, whose old valet-de-chambre had established a sort of coneordance between the state of the thermometer and his master’s dress; and when M. de Mairan asked him in the morning, “How is the thermometer!” he answered, “at ratteen” or “at velvet, ” or “at fur,” according to the degree of cold. In one of...
1 tag
Honesty of a Russian Servant.
An Englishwoman who held an appointment in the Emperor’s winter palace delivered to a carrier five hundred rubles—(a ruble is about seven pence English money) to carry to her daughter, who lived at some distance. Next day the man came back to the lady, kissed her hands, and said, “Forgive me, I’m in fault; I have lost your money, I know not how, and have searched everywhere, but...
3 tags
Important To Ladies.
For every month a woman spends in the marriage state, between seventeen and twenty-one years of age, a year will be taken from the duration of her beauty and personal attractions.
2 tags
Wonders Of Mesmerism
At a rennet mesmeric lecture, in Exeter, one of the experiments most signally failed, to the chagrin of the lecturer. Having, as he fancied, mesmerised a table and a man’s hand, and by some means held the two so effectually together that it all depended on his single will whether they should ever again be parted, he placed a shilling in tempting proximity to the hand “in a fix,”...
2 tags
"The Ayes Have It."
Amongst the pictures at the late competing exhibition in Westminster Hall, there was one, the subject of which was King Henry receiving the news of the loss of his son, Prince William, by shipwreck. The artist, intending that the king should express the horror he felt by his eyes, pictured them as if they were starting out of his head. A lady remarked, “If the prizes were awarded by vote,...
1 tag
Genius, like an exotic plant, is rare; ...
and requires not only the same care and attention to bring it to perfection, but also a shelter from the squalls of fortune and the frosts of adversity, without which it will wither and die.
1 tag
Idleness is the murderer of time and the destroyer...
it is the Rich man’s bane, the tradesman’s ruin, and the poor man’s curse.
1 tag
In France, in the twelfth century, ...
noblemen alone were permitted to have vanes on their houses; and at one time this privilege was only accorded to those who first planted their standards on the walls of a town when stormed.