Chit-Chat of Humor, Wit, and Anecdote

A Capital Joke

To expect the greatest Reformer in the moral world to be either a grateful or a moral man. What sign-post follows its own direetion?

A Loafer's Soliloquy

“I wish I knew where to get a cent, I do. Blest if I don’t emigrate to Kamschatka to dig gold. Money scarcer than wit; can’t live by neither—at least I can’t. Sold the last old shirt, pawned my boots for three cents, and went home rich as a lord.

“Told my landlady I had a hundred thousand dollars, and wanted the best room in the house. Insulted me by saying the attic was too good for me.

“I’m an injured individual . Society persecutes me. I don’t do society no harm as I knows on. I don’t rob widders’ houses. I don’t know widders. I don’t put the bottle to my neighbor’s lips. I ain’t got no neighbors; and the fact is I don’t own any bottles. Couldn’t fill them if I did.

“I’m an innocent man. Nobody can look me in the face and say I ever hurt ‘em—nobody, and yet I haven’t got a roof to lay my head into.—My old landlady hated me—why? I couldn’t pay, and I left. Cause why? ain’t it better to dwell in a corner of the house-top, than with a brawling woman in a wide house? But I ain’t got a house-top; and if I had, a corner wouldn’t be safe, would it?

“I’m a desp’rit man. I’d go to work if it wasn’t for my excessive benevolence. I’m afeared of taking the bread out of somebody’s mouth. Besides, wisdom’s the principal thing; don’t the good book say so? What’s money to wisdom? Ain’t I a studying character? If a man kicks me because I can’t pay for my licker ain’t I getting understanding? ain’t it a lesson to human nature? I’m told the world owes me a living. When is it going to pay, I wonder? I’m tired of waiting.”

The Oyster Newspaper

An organ for the Oyster-House critics has been found at last. We all know that our real genuine original Jacob Oysters are so large that it requires two middle-sized Englishmen to swallow one whole; since the Evening Post has grown it takes two moderate-sized men to open it at full length, but there has never been found any number of men yet to swallow its contents.

A Cincinnati paper ...

states that the theatre pit boys are in the habit of burlesquing the use of opera glasses in the dress circle, by using two mineral water bottles, tied together with a string, in which they scan the house in the most grave and interesting manner.

A Short Sermon

An old preacher once took for his text—

“Adam, where art thou?” and divided his subject into three parts.

1st.—All men are somewhere.

2d.—Some men are where they ought to be.

3d.—Unless they take care they will soon find themselves where they would rather not be.

All the Berries

A celebrated comedian arranged with his greengrocer—one Berry—to pay him quarterly; but the green-grocer sent in his account long before the quarter was due.

The comedian, in great wrath, called upon his green-grocer, and, laboring under the impression that his credit was doubted, said—

“I say, here’s a pretty mul, Berry; you’ve sent in your bill, Berry, before it is due, Berry; your father, the elder Berry, would not have been such a goose, Berry. But you need not look black, Berry—for I don’t care a straw, Berry—and shan’t pay you till Christmas, Berry.”

"Madam," ...

said a cross-tempered physician to a patient, ” if women were admitted to paradise, their tongues would make it a purgatory.”

“And some physicians, if allowed to practise there,” replied the lady, “would soon make it a desert.”

An eastern editor, ...

in an obituary on a young lady who had recently died, closed by saying—”She had an amiable temper, and was uncommonly fond of ice cream and other delicacies.”

A Fight for a Kiss.

” Ah, Sally, give me a kiss and be done with it.”

“I won’t, so there now.”

“I’ll take it, whether or no.”

“Do it if you dare.

So at it we went rough and tumble. An awful destruction of starch now commenced. The bow of my cravat was squat up in half a shake. At the next bout smash went shirt and collar, and at the same time some of the head fastenings gave way, and down came Sally’s hair like a flood in a mill-dam broke loose, carrying away half a dozen combs. One dig of Sally’s elbows, and my blooming ruffles wilted down to a dishcloth. But she had no time to boast. Soon her neck tackle began to shiver, parted at the throat; and whoorah came a string of white beads scampering and running races every way you could think of about the floor.

She fought fair, however, I must admit, and neither tried to bite nor scratch, and when she could fight no longer for want of breath, she yielded handsomely. Her arms fell down by her aide—her hair back over the chair, her eyes, closed, and there lay a little plump mouth, all in the air. Gracious! did you ever see a hawk pounce upon a robin? or a bee upon a clover top?

THE TELEGRAPH.